Emily has her first petsitting job - she has been over the moon thrilled. I have been a little nervous about how my big girl would do, but she has certainly surprised me. She has picked up poo, cleaned out litter boxes and cleaned up pee. All with no complaints.
So on the way to her new job, she requested that we listen to her dad's Toby Mac CD. Well, let me back up a little. A couple of weeks ago, Emily told me that she wanted to listen to the "rock" station (104.1) in my car. I explained to her that I listen to Christian music in my car, but she can listen to what she wants on her MP3 or her room as long as the music is deemed appropriate by her dad and I.
So back to this morning. We are on our way to the house where we are petsitting, listening to Toby Mac - and it hit me; and I started to cry.
My little girl is growing up.
For the past 9 1/2 years, since Emily got sick, I have been her protector, always fighting to keep her head above water. When you have a child with a chronic illness, you are always on standby for emergencies. Plenty of ER visits, hospital stays, testing, and not to mention therapy (speech, physical and occupational) have kept me in constant mommy motion. There have been times where my vigilance saved her life, like the time she had a strep throat infection that entered her intestinal lining landing her in critical condition fighting for her life. We were initially sent home from the hospital, but went back 12 hours later where I had to fight with the charge nurse who sent us to the waiting room. If it wouldn't have been my yelling and demands, they would have never discovered Emily's blood sugar was at 46 - a level that nearly put her into a coma. We could have lost her that Christmas.
So I kept fighting. And God kept His promise of getting us through some very dark years.
A couple of years ago, she started to get better. Fewer ER visits, infections were less frequent and not so intense. We found a seizure medicine that worked and didn't cause loss of appetite. At her 7 yea checkup, Emily weighed 37 pounds. At her 10 year check up, she weighed 62! She learned how to read, excelled in a mainstream classroom. Things kept getting better.
Are things perfect? No. Is Emily completely healed? No. Unfortunately, the parts of her brain that were injured will never "grow back." But I no longer live with a black cloud of death hanging over our home.
Let me bring it all together. I remember being her age when music became a very important part of my life. I remember spending countless hours listening to my cassettes. I was taking an interest in music that was different from what my parents liked.
As an adult with 2 degrees (almost!) in communications including studies in mass media and family & culture, I know what Emily is experiencing is a normal part of adolescence. I know from my undergraduate class and "Pop Music and Culture" that every teenager goes through this. It is normal! My sweet Emily is doing something that is normal for her age - this is something that hasn't happened since before Emily got sick.
My role as her mother is changing. It is time for me to become the guide on the side. It is time to me to trust God and the foundation we have provided for Emily. It is time for me to step back and allow her to become a young lady. It is time for me to be a lifeguard.
When a child learns to swim, a parent starts off by holding them while they splash and discover the world around them. Then at some point, you let go, but stay in the water to pull them up if they start to struggle. And then you get out of the pool. You have your whistle and your life-saving device - even the most experienced swimmers are told to never swim alone. The lifeguard is there when there is trouble; to remind us to get out of the water when dangerous storms approach; to remind us that you need to walk and not run (life will pass you by if you try to run through it!); and to pull us out of the water if we find ourselves in a rough current.
As hard as it is for me to do this, it is time for me to get out of the water. I have spent so many years holding on to me sweet girl, to keep her from drowning due to circumstances beyond all of our control. But it is times for me to get out of the water and let God get in.
Father God,
I give her to you. You have held us so close and gotten us through days when we all were sinking. I will never understand why you trust me so much with one of your very precious children, but I thank you for seeing in me what I never could.
Thank you for the miracles that have occurred in her life. Thank you for helping her overcome what so many doctors said was impossible.
I know we will still face rough waters. I promise to continue to keep her in a bible based church, teaching her about you and encouraging her in her walk. I also promise to let go and let you lead her into becoming the woman you made her to be.
In Jesus' holy name,
Jillian
